(Fowl Line News) 7-time Tour de Farce winner, Lance Armstrong got nut-punched by US District Court Judge Sam Sparks who tossed his lawsuit against the USADA saying cycling was less of a sport than soccer. "Even soccer makes you stand up when you play it" opined the respected jurist. The news came as a relief to Lance's remaining testicle who'd been in witness protection and was expected to testify...
Armstrong was unavailable for comment to this reporter because he's still miffed I referred to him as "uno-nutto" when I did some commentary on Fox's latest 24/7 cable venture, Pechos Lujoso Grandes FOX.
Meanwhile Sheryl Crow admitted today Lance routinely blood-doped prior to having sex which according to Crow also involved way too much drafting, pedaling and fist pumping. The final straw, she said, was Lance insisting she throw a cup of Gatorade in his face every two-minutes while he muttered "Live strong."
Eagles bench warmer, running back Dion Lewis arrested and charged with falsely reporting a fire in Albany, N.Y. after Lewis and rocket scientist brother, Lamar Lewis, were locked out of an Albany NY Hampton Inn--according to Albany Times-Union.
Caught by surprise--couldn't to get into hotel at 4 a.m.--in a town that locks up for the night at 7 p.m., so plucky duo pulls fire alarm. Problem solved. Or is it? Not so fast Brothers Lewis, the "Man" has a few questions downtown.
Dion Lewis, arraigned and released.
Coach Andy Reid quick to contain the damage. "I don't have any recollection of Lewis being on the team, I've instructed ex-team-prez Joe Banner in the time he has left as a lame duck to find out why the h-e-double-hockey-sticks a 5th round draft pick from 2011 made the team let alone is still on it."
BAM! SPLAT! DONE...
I'm a journalist. A sports expert. At the end of the day I can use phrases like that to tell you what happened and why it matters. For the life of me I can't find a compelling reason for the Olympics every four years let alone every two.
Professional athletes winning gold medals is like Stephen King winning an 8th grade short story contest. Why bother?
It's a ginned up hoax trotting out a bunch of lousy neo-sportsian routines like gymnasts running around with ribbons on a mat to lousy music and then lionizing them while the whole affair is swaddled in ads and inflicts countless numbingly boring hours of Bob Costas and a bunch of other washed-up NBC sportslebrities on us.
Bam! Splat! Done...