(Fowl Line Breaking News Exclusive) In what has to be the worst case scenario for the Yankees, A-Rod has not been kidnapped by a UFO and whisked to a galaxy, in the George Lucas vernacular, far, far, away.
Apparently the A in A-Rod now stands for Albatross
Yankees current and maybe not so future GM, Brian Cashman, boldly predicted the Yankees will not trade A-Rod during the off-season. Of course everyone, including people in comas, understand that's Cashmanspeak for "cannot trade" A-Rod because of his five-year-$114-million-dollar-contract.
Hard to Convert a 7-10 Split with a Cement Bowling Ball
Not that anyone feels sorry for the vanity license plate of baseball the Yankees have been for quite some time. Money and brains seldom mix when it comes to long-term baseball contracts and A-Rod's is no exception. He's 37-years old and falling off the table like a bowling ball encased in cement. Think washed-up DH clogging a roster spot for the next half-a-decade.
Boy I Miss the Winstrol Julius in the MLB Food Court
Back in the Go-Go Juice Ball era it was a sure thing guys like A-Rod could 'roid their way into the record books well into their mid-sixties. Now that the Winstrol Julius is closed these guys look pretty damn average in old age, but their contracts are still as robust as ever.
The Bronx Bumblers Are Minus One
A-Rod ran out of gas prior to the playoffs, he managed to creak his way through 144-games, raking in $22.8-million dollars and swatting a Rex "the Wonder Dog" Hudler-like .272 and 18 dingaroos. Even if the Bronx Bumblers eat all of next year's salary A-Rod has no upside anywhere else. So before the next five-seasons even begin the Yankees are in the parlance of the unlamented NHL(a), minus one.
I Have Lil Hanky & the Steinbrenners on my iPod
So I don't feel the least bit sorry for Lil Hanky and the Steinbrenner clan, they exhibited all the common sense of a sack of cats over the last couple of decades playing with the neatest toy ever invented. But A-Rod's contract is now like that cute baby honey badger they got for Easter, it's all growed up and ready to rip their faces off.
Keith Olbermann is the Radar O'Reilly of ESPN
(a)The NHL, for all you kids that don't remember, was a sport whereupon guys swatted a puck around with a giant wooden golf club while wearing skates... Unfortunately, the owners and players conspired to utterly destroy the league with a series of idiotic lockouts and strikes. Their last TV contract was on a network that didn't even beat Keith Olbermann in the ratings, a concept mathematicians can't find an equation to express. Keith Olbermann is the Radar O'Reilly of ESPN and better known as an answer in the "What ever happened to?" sports broadcasting category of Trivial Pursuit®...